Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My Third Eye Scratched: Artitude

Excerpt from the famous Art Guide by Art Trip

To become an advanced artist, you will eventually need to learn and maintain a proper “Artitude.” This will require great effort on your part, especially if you are extroverted and friendly. With practice and deep observation of your fellow artists, this should soon become second nature to you. You will then be able to utilize ‘tude’ in other important areas of your life such as office meetings, cocktail parties and other social settings.

So just what is “Artitude?” Well, it’s a look. A sort of far away, distant gaze that you adapt whenever you look at art. For instance. upon entering an art gallery, you must not smile. Always maintain a serious look on your face. You must not engage in polite conversation. You must be all art business. Simply head for the art as you quickly enter the gallery. If asked a question at this point from the gallarina, give a quick glance and a nod of your head.

As you walk in front of an artwork, do not acknowledge or say anything if anyone happens to be there. Additionally, don’t talk or look around. Stay focused on the art piece and keep a centered look as if you possess great art knowledge. With your “Artitude” and your top of the line art clothes from the GreatFamousArtist Clothing Store, you might even have some other artists and even art collectors fooled into thinking that you indeed, possess great art knowledge.

If you want to make your “Artitude” even more effective, get up close to the art work. Hold your hands in prayer position in front of your chest as if you are about to sanctify the work. Now close your eyes and start to murmur quietly in a whisper (do this with great solemnest for if you don’t there is always the danger that others around you will simply think that you are nuts). Feel free to murmur anything that comes to your mind, even something like, “I feel so lame, I feel so lame. I can’t believe Art Trip told me to do this. This is so lame”, just so long as it is low enough so the others can’t hear what you are saying.

Stare intensely ahead without moving except for an occasional nod of the head. Close your eyes every so often as if pondering a great transcendental art thought. You must be on your guard though, as the gallery owner may try to engage you at some point. They will be friendly, maybe even crack a joke. But be strong and don't smile. Have fun with this as you know the owner is simply vibing you. If you don’t break your Artitude, the dealer may nod their head realizing that you are either a great artist or perhaps even a collection of art and try to sell you a piece of art (see the section “Faking it as an art collector” if this happens).